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Talk to a single millennial and you’ll hear a common refrain: All my friends are getting married and having kids.
“Walking to the chapel / And I’m not getting married” a TikTok user joked.
This is particularly true for LGBTQ millennials, who may have gotten a late start in the romance department compared to their straight peers.
Marriage is about much more than saying “I do.”
It’s also a vital institution in the U.S. that guarantees rights and benefits to those who enter into it. And until 2015 – when the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage – that didn’t include everyone.
Recent data shows that the average age at first marriage for homosexual couples was older than heterosexual couples. But why is that the case?
While experts can’t point to a definitive reason – and time will presumably shed light on this more – it’s likely a combination of waiting for the opportunity to marry in the first place, coming out later in life, rejection of societal norms and general marriage trends skewing older.
Breaking down marriage statistics
- Women in same-sex couples were on average 33 at the time of their first marriage, while women in heterosexual couples were 29, according to an analysis of 2019 American Community Survey statistics from Bowling Green State University.
- Men in same-sex couples were 38 compared to 30 for men in different-sex couples.
- When it comes to remarriages, however, both same-sex and different-sex couples had a similar average age – 43 for women and 46 (different-sex couples) and 47 (same-sex couples) for men.
- For comparison: There were 64,000 same-sex marriages in 2019 and about 1.7 million heterosexual ones.
‘Marriage isn’t necessarily the end goal’
The coming out process – while happeningyounger and younger – has likely delayed marriage age tolater in life for same-sex couples.
“In general, I imagine, the age of marriage in same-sex couples is pushed up by the various hurdles LGBT people experience that their cis-het counterparts do not, including coming out, possibly moving away from home, seeking new communities and, often, new chosen families, from which they can then draw potential partners,” says Craig Konnoth, a professor at the University of Virginia School of Law.
LGBTQ people may also enter into a different-sex marriage to start then realize later their LGBTQ identity and want out.
“Some of those folks might have entered different-sex marriages and then figured out their sexual or gender identity,” says Wendy Diane Manning, professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University.
Female same-sex couples might be getting married younger than male same-sex couples due to pregnancies past a certain age posing a higher risk of complications. In some states, in order to adopt, you need to be married.
That said, not all LGBTQ people want to get married. “For a lot of LGBTQIA+ people, marriage isn’t necessarily the end goal because they don’t follow cisgender heteronormative standards,” says Moe Ari Brown, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Marriage might not be the goal for them.”
What will the future of LGBTQ marriage look like?
Like many areas of research, we need more data – including on bisexual people in different vs. same-sex marriages.
“We have to have enough new cohorts who’ve grown up really with (the option to marry) and have built that into their scripts about how their lives will look and what their romantic relationships might mean,” says Lee Badgett, professor of economics at University of Massachusetts-Amherst.
Perhaps marriage statistics will look the same someday for everyone, no matter their orientations.
“As time moves away from the Obergefell decision, we might get a narrowing of the age differences between different-sex and same-sex couples, and that could be happening over time, it just hasn’t happened yet,” Manning says.
For more on LGBTQ issues
The latest statistics:Gen Z is driving force among adults identifying as LGBTQ, poll shows. Here’s a breakdown.
‘We feel more secure’:As Respect for Marriage Act passes, same-sex couples share tentative enthusiasm
Interesting:Mike Pence, Pete Buttigieg and what happens when we mock paternity leave
In case you missed:LGBTQ, police relationship is fraught with violent history. Can department liaisons help?
Opinion:The New York Times was criticized for its reporting on trans issues. Good.
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