“It’s an thrilling day right here,” stated host Stephen Colbert. “For the primary time in 18 months, youngsters can get pleasure from class with out seeing their pals’ dads wandering behind them in boxers—in the event that they’re fortunate.”
Naturally, Colbert famous, there have been “some hiccups” on the primary day of sophistication.
“The net well being screenings that households are required to fill out every morning had crashed by about eight a.m., so some educators had been compelled to finish their very own screenings of how every baby was feeling that morning,” he shared. “‘Okay class, so I’ve learn your well being varieties. I see that lots of you might be affected by ‘butt fever,’ ‘butt ache’ and ‘shortness of butt.’ Put a masks over your butt and are available on in.’”
After all, kids aren’t the one ones to vulnerable to Covid-19. The excellent news on this respect, from Colbert’s perspective, is that President Biden has issued “a plan” requiring non-public sector companies with upwards of 100 staff to mandate vaccines or weekly testing.
“That’s nice, okay? You need that sense of safety,” stated Colbert. “While you go right into a Starbucks, it’s best to really feel protected, till you see the toilet. ‘Are these, are these tooth?’”
Inevitably, he continued, “the security measures enraged the lunatic fringe of anti-vaxxers, in any other case referred to as Republican governors.” Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves, for one, who just lately tweeted, “That is nonetheless America, and we nonetheless imagine in freedom from tyrants.”
“Sure, refusing medical remedy is a part of a proud American custom,” deadpanned Colbert. “Who might overlook the immortal phrases of Patrick Henry, ‘Give me rubella and provides me loss of life. As a result of I need to die from rubella’?”
Try Colbert’s total opening monologue above.